In my defense, you used it to turn my mother into a hen. Now she won't stop pecking me!

You shaved my head!

In my defence, I was told to by Jesus.
He's all-powerful, you know.

You told me swearing was big and clever.

In my defense, it FUCKING IS, SHITEYES!

You congratulated a douchebag!

In my defence, it was me that was the douchebag.

You stole my tears.

In my defense, I'm a stalker, what do you expect me to do.

You filed a restraining order against me.

In my defence, I have too many stalkers.
Who carry pitchforks.

You sunk my battleship.

In my defense, it's my job.
And you were over a whale.

You got South Park canceled!

In my defense, I wanted to get your attention.

You ignored me.

In my defense, my feet were on fire.
I had more important things to focus on!

You didn't donate!

In my defense, you ignored me when I asked you to give me the order.

You messed up all the questions in my exam paper.

In my defense, you weren't going to do very well anyway.

You didn't satisfy your woman!

In my defence, I had to stop early.
You came home from work.

You punched me in the stomach!

In my defense, I was trying to punch Edward Cullen, but the sparkly bastard moved.

You like Edward Cullen!

In my defense... OK, I have no defense for that. KILL ME! Kill me now! *cries*

You made me cry.

In my defense, I needed some more tears for my car to run on.

You poked holes in my feet!

In my defence, you had holes in your socks.
So I poked holes in your feet to make it match.

You stole my Ferrari!

In my defense, you were only gonna crash it. we both know it.

You drank my last Sunkist!

In my defense, is it tasty?

You drank something foul and foamy!

In my defence, I was already drunk.

You stole my keys.

In my defense, I was so stunned about your lack of knowledge of sunkist that I had to drink something out of this world to resume operation as normal!
Was not going to let you drive.

You ate all my candy!

In my defense, you said you did not want it. Said something about watching your weight.

You went on a diet!

In my defense, I needed to lose 10 pounds fast.

You shot my foot off!

In my defence, I'd thought it'd help with your diet.

You killed my grand-pappy!

In my defense, he got in my house and told me to get off my lawn!

You sent your grand-pappy to invade my house!

In my defence, he's a wreckin' machine!

You turned my grand-pappy against me!

In my defense, he's never liked you.
I just made him hate you.

How did you avoid being banned?

In my defence, I threatened the mods with black-mail.
^{Let's just say I got pics of Baby Tea in a compromising situation.}

You got a hold of the picture!

In my defense, you left your computer unattended.
^{now how did he manage to bend like that?!}

You laughed at my missile!

In my defence, it was a joke missile with a little piece of paper in the top with BANG! written on it.

You sold me out to the F.B.I!

In my defense, if I didn't, they'd throw me in jail! I don't like that place!
It gets harder to break out of every time.

You loaded my gun with blanks!

In my defence, I needed a head-start after I told you I like Twilight.
^{I do.}

You looked at me in disgust!

In my defense, you spoke that sentence.
^really?

You turned off my power!

In my defence, you threatened to internet punch me.
^{Yes, I do.}

You're still giving me that dirty look!!

In my defense, you like the worst Vampire novel ever written.

You didn't watch the pilot episode of "V"

In my defense, I don't have a TV, and it didn't look that interesting to me.

You cut my internet cable in half!